Fears in Children
Written by: Dr. Cindy Bunin Nurik
Fears are a normal part of childhood development. How many of you can remember your childhood fears? And how many of you still have them. Certain fears emerge at certain ages. For Example:
6 months: Stranger anxiety
8 months: Separation from parent
1 year: Separation from parent, loud noises, animals, water, and strangers
2 years: Separation from parent, toilet training, water and bath, bedtime, strangers, having hair cut, e.g. doctor.
3 years: toilet training, bedtime, monsters and ghosts, anyone who looks different than family, e.g., disability, beard, different skin color, etc.
As in adults, when children feel a sense of control they have less fear. Fear is real to your child, so take your child’s fears seriously. Some fears develop with independence. For example, when a child begins to walk and understands he can leave mom, he realizes mom can leave him as well. A child’s surroundings can increase fears, such as unfamiliar places, crowds, shadows, bright lights and darkness.
Sometimes a child's fear is based on a lack of understanding. For example, “When I have my hair cut, it means I will be cut!” The water goes down the drain, so I might disappear down the drain."
Often, a child's fears are the same as his parent's. Fears can be increased by a parent's reaction or comments. For example, if a parent screams at the sight of a bug, the child will probably do the same. Remember. We are role models, so try and watch your reactions.
Children take what you say literally, such as, "The policeman will get you if you don't get in your car seat", or when a stranger says, "You're so cute I'm going to take you home with me." Another innocent mistake when relative passes away, and we say they went to sleep. Be careful about referring to death as sleep--children may be afraid of going to sleep.
DO NOT expect your child's fear to go away overnight.
DO NOT shame your child for his fears.
DO NOT force your child to face his fears. This approach will make the situation worse. For example if your child is afraid of dogs, forcing him to pet a dog will frighten him even more.
DO NOT tell your child that they will be a "big boy" or a "big girl" when they overcome their fear. This puts too much pressure on the child.
Validate your children’s feelings. For example, "Loud noises, like thunder, can be scary.
Provide helpful information about the feared item or situation. For example, "Dogs bark because that is how they "talk" and sometimes they bark a lot when they are happy to see someone."
Help your child approach fears at her own pace, which be slow. A good example, is allowing your child to decide when to put his face under water when swimming, or when she feel like petting and animal. This will give him a sense of control and less fear.
Closely monitor what your child watches on television. Many programs and movies are too intense for young children and may encourage their fears.
Read a special book, like There's a Nightmare in My Closet by Mercer Mayer, and talk about the feared object or situation.
Use an empty aerosol can and spray the monsters away.
A vacuum cleaner works well for sucking away the monsters.
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