Help! My Children are Fighting

Written by: Dr. Laurie Emery, Families by Design

As parents, we have a unique opportunity to teach our children how to handle conflict in a way that will affect them for the rest of their life. The skills they learn now will be used on the playground as children, in the boardroom as a business person, and in the bedroom as a spouse. Below are some suggestions.

Teach empathy
Teach your children to consider each other’s feelings. For example, “How do you think Matt feels?”
Teach repair
If your child has hurt another child, say, "Matt looks sad. What do you think Matt needs right now? How could you help?"
Stress teamwork and cooperation
Use phrases like, “Let’s see how fast we can get this done by working together!” or “Wow! Look how fast we got that done as a team!”!”
Refuse to choose
If siblings are fighting over what book is read to them, say, “When the two of you have decided which book you want me to read, come and get me.” This keeps you from having to choose one child over the other as well as teaching them how to negotiate and to be responsible for solving their problems.
Schedule activities
If your children are fighting because they are bored, redirect that energy into some positive activity. Children frequently fight after watching too much television.
Redirect a child who gives in
Children who develop a pattern of giving in often feel resentful and continue this pattern into adulthood. They learn to become victims of life’s circumstance instead of going for what they want in life. Redirect this child by teaching her how to assert herself in a positive way.
Be creative
Use creative ways to redirect fighting; for example, one mother turns on music when the kids begin to fight. They have all agreed beforehand to dance when the music starts. This helps release the tension in a healthy way.

Teach win/win negotiation
Negotiation means that both children get what they want and need

Steps to create win/win negotiation between your kids

1. Bring peace to the fight:

Get on the child's eye level.
Touch gently, in a loving way, their back or shoulder. Do this without saying anything.
Make friendly eye contact

2. If the are fighting over a toy, hold out your hand for the toy while remaining silent. Put the toy out of sight - behind your back.
3. Empathize with the most emotionally charged child first, and then the other.
4. Turn their attention away from the fight and switch their focus to what they want.
5. Ask them how they could work it out so they are both happy. Try using the phrase, “That’s an idea!” to all of their suggestions to avoid judging someone’s idea being better than another. Do not offer suggestions unless they get stuck.
6. Help them choose a solution.
7. Make sure they are both happy with the outcome
8. Acknowledge each child specifically for the skills they demonstrated (i.e. “You were patient, you were creative, or you stuck up for what you wanted.”). This supports them in identifying helpful skills to resolve future conflict.

You might be saying to yourself, “I don’t have time to do this every time my children fight!” You don’t have to. If you take the time to do these steps several times a week, they will be able to do it on their own shortly.

Below are some other things you can do when your children fight:

Leave the room
Do something unexpected, like joining the fight in a playful manner
Ask them both to take a cooling off period
If you are in a car, pull over to the side of the road and tell them ONCE, “It is too dangerous for me to drive when there is fighting going on in my car.” Wait silently until they quiet down and then start driving again.

If you are a parent of a single child, these same principles work when a fight arises between friends or relatives.

Children develop patterns of dealing with conflict that they will use for a lifetime. Some children learn to become victims, some bullies, and some learn healthy ways for handling conflict. The goal is not to stop or eliminate conflict, but rather to teach your child how to deal with conflict effectively. Parents have an important influence on which patterns children will choose.

Parents often ignore or minimize fighting, hoping that it will stop, or thinking that it’s “simply child’s play.” It takes great courage to be aware that developing good conflict resolution skills will ultimately bring more peace into one’s family.