LOVE IS NOT ABUSE

www.loveisnotabuse.com

Almost three months ago, the world was visibly reminded that teen abusive relationships are of serious concern, when a broken and bruised popular musical artist, Rihanna, was shown in pictures following a violent argument with boyfriend and singing sensation Chris Brown. The message “LOVE IS NOT ABUSE” sounds so simple, yet rates of teen (and adult) abuse are frighteningly high. One in three teens report knowing a friend who has been punched, kicked, choked, slapped, or hit. One in five teen girls said that their boyfriends had threatened violence or self harm should they break up with them. And even though 73% of teens said they would turn to a friend for help if they were in an abusive relationship, the percent of actual teens that really do speak up is closer to just 33% (Liz Claiborne Inc, 2008, Statistics on Teen Abuse at www.loveisnotabuse.com).

So why are the rates of teen abuse so high? And why aren’t more teens talking about it and asking for help?

The irony of the teenage years is that it is an especially rapid time of growth, and of developing dreams and independence. But throughout this period, so much is happening so quickly, that it can also be a particularly vulnerable time. A lot of questions about self concept, self worth, relationships, emotion, direction, and love arise. Teens so badly want to be independent and self assured, but they often don’t have the life experience to do so or to be so quite yet. Therefore, what we see so often is that other people’s thoughts, feelings, and opinions start to matter tremendously.

And this is often how abuse creeps in.

For example, abusive relationships don’t typically begin with violence, but they do begin with jealousy, controlling behavior, name calling, intimidating behavior, fighting, manipulation, and/or isolation. Over time, these types of behaviors diminish a person’s self-worth, and their tolerance for increasingly dangerous behaviors changes. In other words, a person gets worn down over time, and behaviors that would have once been completely unacceptable become tolerated. Further, in an effort to be independent and “handle things on my own,” many teens become ashamed and keep such incidents to themselves. This pattern is exactly why many parents, friends, or peers find themselves surprised to learn that their teen is involved in an abusive relationship at all.

So, what are we doing to teach our young men and women about their emotions, their behavior, and their relationships?

It is absolutely critical that when we talk about teen abusive relationships we take a stand for what we are teaching our teens. First and foremost, model healthy emotional expression, relationships, and behavior for them. Whether we (or they) are aware of it or not, teens do mimic so many of our behaviors. It is not uncommon for teens that are being abused or are abusive to have watched their parents be abused or abusive in some way, like having lost their tempers, being critical or manipulative, or having used name calling for example. It is also not uncommon for teens in abusive relationships to have been surrounded by relationships with poor boundaries, where people invade or interfere in one another’s space frequently.

With rates as high as 85% of abusers being men, we can also become increasingly aware of the stereotypic gender messages we give our teens about their emotions. Men are often still getting the message to be “strong”, and that emotional expression or vulnerability is weak and unacceptable. We haven’t been teaching our young men how to express or manage their emotions, so they bottle them up and eventually explode. Be committed to sharing a range of emotions with your teens, and support them in having outlets to fully self express.

What should I do if I suspect my teen is in an abusive relationship?

If you suspect your teen is either being abusive or is being abused, ask them to set aside a time to speak with you. Sit with them and express your concern by citing specific examples of reasons why you are suspecting this. For example, “I noticed that you stay up late on the phone every night fighting and crying.” Or, “I’ve seen your boyfriend call you some pretty bad names lately.” Depending on the severity of what you have seen, you can also say, “I’m concerned that you are in a relationship that really seems to be abusive- hurting you- is dangerous- etc….” It is so important to LISTEN here to what your teen has to say. It will not be helpful for you to lecture them here. Listen and talk with them about their options, and if you think the relationship is dangerous- feel confident in stepping in to protect your teen’s safety.

For additional information and support on teen abusive relationships, please visit www.loveisnotabuse.com and www.loveisrespect.org, the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline. These websites offer assistance to teens, parents, friends, family, and the general public, as well as a 24 hour telephone helpline at 1-866-331-9474. The helpline is operated by the National Domestic Violence Hotline and was founded through a gift from Liz Claiborne Inc.