The SEX talk!!!

How and When to Talk to Your Children About SEX

Written by: Dr. Laurie Emery, Families by Design

How to Talk with Your Children About Sex
(look for the series on this topic in our next two newsletters)

We want our children to have healthy and rewarding lives. And we know that teaching them about sex is a very important part of life. There are many factors that affect how and when and if we talk to our kids about this topic. For many parents, it is hard to even imagine your own child engaging in these behaviors and therefore it is difficult to even approach the subject. For others they are not comfortable with their own sexuality and pass on this discomfort to their children by not talking about it as if it is taboo. Regardless of the reason it seems to be a universally difficulty topic and yet a very important one. Some parents ask....Why Do Children Need to Know About Sex and Sexuality? Or- If I talk to them about it aren’t I putting the thoughts into their mind? Or- If I talk to them about it am I condoning it? Understanding sexuality helps kids cope with their feelings and with peer pressure. It helps them take charge of their lives and have loving relationships. It also helps protect them from sexual abuse — and from becoming sexual abusers.

Home can be the most meaningful place to learn about sexuality. If not at home they will get it from friends, television, or experimentation with the opposite sex. We can help our kids feel good about their sexuality from the very beginning and give them the perspective and attitude we want them to have about sex.. Then they will be more likely to trust us enough to ask questions about sex later on in life.

Young people are less likely to take sexual risks if they have:

- a positive view of sexuality
- information that they need to take care of their sexual health
- clarity about their own values and an understanding of their families’ values
- self-esteem and self-confidence
- interpersonal skills, such as assertiveness and decision-making abilities
- a sense that their actions affect what happens
- a connection to home, family, and other caring adults in their community, school, or religious institution

When's the Best Time to Start Talking with My Children About Sex and Sexuality?

It's best to start as soon as children begin getting sexual messages. And they start getting them as soon as they're born. Children begin having physical sensations that they respond to at very young ages. They learn how to think and feel about their bodies and their sexual behavior from things we do and say (and from what we do not say or do not do)— from the way we hold them, talk to them, dress them, teach them the words for their body parts, give them feedback on their behavior, and behave in their presence. It is natural for your child to engage in masturbation at a very young age and your response to this is critical for their attitude about themselves and their natural physiological responses. It is important that parents realize there is not rule book on what age and if your child asks you questions it is important that you answer the question in an age appropriate manner. If they are asking they are not too young. If you do not answer them they are going to get the answer from somewhere else or decide that there is something wrong with their sexuality because you will not engage in the discussion. And know that making anything off limits to children only increases their curiosity.

But don't worry if you haven't started yet. It's never too late. Just don't try to "catch up" all at once. The most important thing is to be open and available whenever a child wants to talk or when those teachable moments arise.

Stay tuned for How to Start the Conversation about Sex in our next News Letter...