Temper Tantrums

Written by: Dr. Cindy Bunin Nurik

There you are in the middle of the store, and your toddler starts to have a full-blown temper tantrum. People are staring, making faces, the sweat is pouring down your face, and you are frozen in time. As you are trying to think clearly while the ear shattering, screams pierce the air your first instinct is to run away. You know you can’t do that, but you would love to!

THE FACTS

So let’s first talk some facts about temper tantrums.

Temper tantrums range from whining and crying to screaming, kicking, hitting, and breath holding.
They're equally common in boys and girls and usually occur from age 1 to age 3.
Some children may experience regular tantrums, whereas for other children, tantrums may be few and far between.
Children's temperaments vary dramatically - some kids are more prone to tantrums than others.

What Causes Temper Tantrums ?

All toddlers at some point have a temper tantrum, even the most good-natured. They're a normal part of development and don't have to be seen as something terrible or wrong. Most children don't have the same inhibitions or control, as adults do.

Thinks about this… you have just bought a new computer. You can’t wait to put it together, and no matter what you do, you can’t get it hooked up properly. You read the manual. But something is wrong. You are starting to get very frustrated. So, you start throwing the cords around, cursing and slamming doors. Sound familiar? That's the adult version of a tantrum. Toddlers are also trying to master the world and when they aren't able to accomplish this, they start venting their frustration - a tantrum is born!

There are several basic causes of tantrums:

seeking attention
tired
hungry
sick or uncomfortable.
frustrated

How do I prevent temper tantrums?

Strategies to help prevent tantrums

Keep off-limits objects out of sight and out of reach, which will make struggles less likely to develop over them.
Offer age-appropriate toys and games. Also, start with something simple before moving on to more challenging tasks.
When your child wants something if it isn’t a ridiculous request, why not accommodate? Choose your battles.
Know your child's limits. If you know your child is tired, it's not the best time to go shopping or try to visit a friend.
Spend time with your child. Make sure your child isn't acting up simply because he or she isn't getting enough attention.
Try to give your child some control over little things. Offer minor choices such as "Do you want milk or apple juice?" or " Do you want to play ball or paint? This way,you won’t get a NO! which can set up a tantrum.

HELPFUL DON’T HINTS

Don’t yell and scream. The most important thing to keep in mind when you're faced with a child in the throes of a tantrum, be cool. Don't complicate the problem with your own frustration. Kids can sense when parents are becoming frustrated. This can just make your child's frustration worse, and you may have a more exaggerated tantrum on your hands. Instead, take a breath and try to think clearly.
Don’t reward your child after a tantrum by giving in. This will only prove to your little one that the tantrum was effective. Instead, verbally praise your child for regaining control.
Do not spank or hit your child, as this does not help the situation. Physical tactics send the message that using force and physical punishment is OK. Instead, have enough self-control for both of you.

HELPFUL DO HINTS

Evaluate and try to understand what's going on. Tantrums should be handled differently depending on the cause. Try to understand where your child is coming from. For example, if your little one has just had a great disappointment, you may need to provide comfort.
Distract or remove your child from the situation. It's a different situation when the tantrum stems from a child's being refused something. Toddlers have basic reasoning skills, so you aren't likely to get far with explanations. Distract your child. Take advantage of your little one's short attention span by offering a replacement for the coveted object or beginning a new activity to replace the frustrating or forbidden one. Or simply change the environment. Take your child outside or inside or move to a different room.
Ignoring the outburst is one way to handle it - if the tantrum poses no threat to your child or others. Continue your activities, paying no attention to your child but remaining within sight. Don't leave your little one alone, though, otherwise he or she may feel abandoned on top of all of the other uncontrollable emotions.
Take your child to a quiet, safe, place to calm down, if he is in danger of hurting himself or herself or others during a tantrum. This also applies to tantrums in public places.
Use a time-out or hold him or her firmly for several minutes if a safety issue is involved. If the toddler repeats the forbidden behavior after being told to stop, repeat your discipline. The child must understand that you are inflexible on safety issues.
Be consistent in your discipline, as your child will learn she can’t get away with anything.
Help your child settle down, because some children will have a hard time stopping a tantrum. In these cases, it might help to say to your child, "I'll help you settle down now."
Hug and reassure your child that she is loved, no matter what. Children may be emotionally vulnerable after a tantrum when they know they've been less than sweet.

My child is out of control, should I seek professional help?

When to Seek Professional Help

You have questions about what you're doing or what your child is doing.
The tantrums are more frequent or last longer than you had expected.
You're uncomfortable with how you handle the tantrums.
The tantrums arouse a lot of anxiety in you and your child.
The tantrums increase in frequency, intensity, or duration.
Your child frequently hurts himself or herself or others.
Your child is destructive.
Your child seems extremely moody.

Your child's doctor can also check for any physical problems that may be contributing to the tantrums, although this uncommon. These include hearing or vision problems, a chronic illness, language delays, or a learning disability. Remember, tantrums won’t last forever. The quicker you learn the best way to handle them the better. As your child grows and matures, he will be able to communicate with the world. When this occurs, there will be less frustration, and fewer tantrums. Be patient, as this a part of the growing process, and a rite of passage.