Use Love, Instead of Using Fear

Written by: Dr. Laurie Emery

The single most important thing you can do for your children is to give them love instead of fear. Think for a moment: how many things did you or didn’t you do because you were afraid? What would you be doing differently in your life right now if you weren’t afraid?

Every time we threaten, guilt-trip, criticize, act sarcastic, judge, withhold love, or punish, we are creating fear in our children. Most children react to fear by fleeing, fighting, or freezing. Flight behaviors in children include blaming others, lying, not sharing important information, running away, becoming overly compliant, and simply giving up. Children fight by arguing, being defensive, talking back, and refusing to do things. A freeze response looks like a vacant stare.

When children feel loved, they have the courage to be creative, to confidently express themselves in their unique way, to communicate assertively and be genuinely interested in others. When children feel loved, they want to be responsible, cooperate, and helpful.

When guidance is given and limits are set by parents in this environment, the children respond from an inner sense of willingness. It is through love that we give children the most valuable gift of all…the ability to maintain their childlike faith in life.

"You will find, as you look back upon your life, that the moments when you have really lived, are the moments when you have done things in a spirit of love."
- Henry Drummon

Giving love instead of using fear is no easy task. Most of us were not raised this way, and therefore it is not an instinctive behavior on our part. One way to shift from the use of fear to the use of love is to ask yourself this question several times a day:

Am I using fear or giving love?
Just asking yourself this question will dramatically change your relationships.